I Choose You
I am trying to think about how Cutting relates to my pain in a spiritual way…I surrendered to God my emotional turmoil and layed against a wall while my armed ached for my Razor…I felt so much anguish and I couldn’t bear it any longer as of a few weeks ago. I began Cutting again. I do it now in the same way but different way. I am more controlled about how I cut, but cut in the same places and times and with the same tool…a box cutter Razor. Its my poison, my heroine my weapon of choice when it comes to numbing the pain that so much evil in my life has caused. I Choose you…That means I choose to bleed for Jesus in ways that I cant explain. I feel my sins pouring out of me in different fashions and shapes. I feel like the blood dripping from me is washing me clean of all the intrusive thoughts that come along with being a devoted Catholic everyday of my life. I have been attacked and have always prayed for a sound mind against Evil thoughts and Demons, but I never thought I could be so wounded by these things. The bible warns that we will always be at war with these thoughts and these demonic things in times and places. I find myself not only at war with things spiritually but with things Mentally as my Authentic Self. I feel pain in ways I cant describe. Taking my heroine to my skin is something I call the frost killing hour…Its a time when all things deadened in my heart and all things pour fourth from my soul. Its another way of purging for me. I call it purging ones soul and now I am learning it is also cleansing ones spirit inside and outside in ways that don’t make sense to persons unless they are very religious and devoted on a path and journey to be within the comfort of the Lords wings. I am a practicing Catholic Mystic and I long to be in the presence of Jesus everyday while still living life…Its not easy when confronted with sinful things right and left everyday. I feel like I am more sinnered then I am true at times and I don’t want to be full of disgust and guilt at the world I live in. I need to grow stronger in pray and faith and weaker in trying to be strong for everyone else including myself. It is when we are at our weakest that The Lord Saves Us, not when we are holding in our hearts a pride that must die of like a wilting Rose in the thorns of deceit. There are three types of lies white lies, grey lies and black lies and I will pour all my lies out through blood shed and I will do this for the Lord and For God, its called my blood and the waves will break these chains….Love always Kasienka Nani Mei.