WIde Awake

by soulseekeraven

ImageI am thinking about how much I need to be loved in ways that I cant explain to the persons that live their lives around me in aupucious ways and manners. I miss how things used to be, when I could be my borderline self. Loving persons for who they were and getting hurt in the ways I understood. Right now I don’t feel very loved at all, I feel lost in ways I cant explain. I want to be something more then a plastic bag in the wind…I want to be a firework and I cant explain it. I am  always trying to be someone, trying to better myself in all the ways I know how to, but I am lost in ways I cant explain. I want people to think I am worth something, rather then thinking I am nothing in and out of days past and gone. I don’t want to feel sick when someone loves me, the guilt that seeps in when someone touches your heart in ways you cant explain. It makes me shed tears in ways that I never have to know the persons I have lost to running away from them. I love someone right now very much and even with them I tend to run away rather then tell them how I truly feel. I love them in a very spiritual sense, a very transcending way. I want to know them in ways they wont allow me to…Yet they know me in all kinds of fashions and manners and it scares me, because I hid myself from this persons for almost seven years. I will have to face them in their office in a way I cant explain. In a very spiritual sense, in a way that they will know what I am actually thinking but I will lose them then and wont know what they are really thinking or doing for me. Whats really on the inside of all this, my insecurities? I have so many fears and flaws why does this person even care about me, I wonder in a deep fashion and shape….I think its not that easy to love and be loved in the righteous way. The way Jesus writes about, the way God made us by knitting us in the womb out of pure Love and contentment. I hope one day I know true love and will know who my soul mate is. Someone who will love me without conditions and pain. I don’t want to feel that dagger in my back anymore, the one were I am stabbed in the Church in ways I cant explain. They take me for everything I have spiritually and soulfully. I need you to open up your heart to me, to be truly free with me…Will do this one thing for me and love without conditions my friend? AMEN. Love Kasienka.