Leaving EveryThing Behind…

by soulseekeraven

ImageI am wondering what I should do with myself…I don’t want to leave this place I am in. I don’t want to lose the same things you have lost to something I don’t understand yet. And I did see the terror in your face and the fear of something that is  much bigger then myself. It scared me to see you as someone I have never seen before right before my blackened eyes. For they were with me, taking me over with delusionals. I was screaming to you don’t bring this love down…I didn’t want to lose you in the way I did, to things that are far bigger then us. I want to be in this place I call A House Without Chains. That means I want to be enveloped within all of your spirit day and night. Please I ask take my fate into your hands my Guardian Angel, because I am so curious and need to see…Things that keep seeping into me like poison. The Lord tells me to be quiet and rest and I cant stop staying awake, dancing side by side with the demons within me. Manic depressive disorder and the only time I feel normal is when I have shot up my pills into little boxes of ticky tackys. I long to be with you cant you hear me crying God? Cant you hear me screaming for this Love. I feel so untouched, I feel so unloved in ways that make no sense, its because I crave something I cant have, hes my drug and so is the Lord…The Lord Jesus is calling me and I have to take the step and follow the road, take up my cross and follow and carry my burdens. And I don’t know how to walk that road the one I have surrendered to God on. I have fallen to my knees and all the way to the ground just to find out how weak I really am, but no weak enough to be healed, still strong enough to  have to keep fighting as something I cant share, a soul seeker. One that’s young and looking for something that she needs to know to become who she really is. She has illusions in front of her and broken dreams surrounding her what does she do? I feel like I am breathing again when I think about him. I feel like l am living again when I push the drugs into my body. I got it under control…I got it under control. All that’s real is faded like a pain killer I have taken. Its time to medicate like a broken dream because I am incomplete and your love is the missing piece. Amen. Amen. Amen.

 

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