I am stuck in a place in life that I feel lost in, so lost I cant comprehend if I am truly “Walking by Faith and Not by Sight. I feel like I am losing my religion and gaining more faith all at the same time. Its confusing, its harrowing, and its a haunted manner to try to exist inside yourself when you don’t love who you are or what you didn’t or did become. I keep trying to find ways to escape these places and times, but find my methods are just numbing it away. I need the Razor, I need to get High, I need to purge away the feelings of despair and inadacuncy. I don’t feel like my prayers are being answered in ways that I cant explain, but there my prayers for the persons around me and I feel lost with the prayers I have been praying so long for myself. The surrendered dreams I have given to God and all the pain I have walked through…Am I being molded into something that Christ wants? Is this a test of faith, a test of character? I feel like I am at my weakest and therefor should have The Lord save me and shelter me in the shadow of his wings. I want to run and not grow weary, walk and not faint…I need to redirect my focus onto what matters…but I cant get past the aching pain, the dull throb of a broken heart. I feel overtaken spiritually and its a long and narrow road to heaven and out of this place I am in.
I am thinking about my spirituality and how it defines me in several ways…I think that things are either very true or very sinnered its hard for me to believe in what Jesus speaks of and that’s being Sinnered and True at the same time. I think about how in the bible it states that a person can work all day and a person can work for just one hour and receive the same penance and I cant quite understand that when it comes to the symbolic version of one person being so ill and tortured through out their whole life while one person was only tortured a little and lived a very grandiose life style….How is it the same that we all receive our Daily Bread in the same manners and shapes, but some of us are very devoted and others are not and they go on to skip past the long and narrow road to heaven just because they did not know who Jesus was and what Jesus did for all of us covered in the blood of sin. The true statement of what it means to be born again, to have not know Our Savior and then to be washed free of all sins through salvation. Some of us grow up with the knowledge of the Lord and never see such a thing as being washed completely clean of our sins in this lifetime here on earth. What does it all mean I keep asking myself in relevance to why I am so sick phsycially and have so little in my life, yet people I know who don’t believe have so much and are so untortured and don’t even know the smallest details of what life means in a religious Catholic way. I think I have a lot of ask God about in the coming year when it comes to Faith and walking in the Dark….To run and not grow weary and to be cast upon wings like an Eagle….To know peace that the world cant Give….To be on the path of Righteouness….I need salvation myself and I deeply need the Grace and Mercy Of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ during this time of year when the Son was born onto us to relieve us from the pain of sin and to wash us clean through his blood. Amen. Amen. Amen. Love Kasienka
I am trying to think about how Cutting relates to my pain in a spiritual way…I surrendered to God my emotional turmoil and layed against a wall while my armed ached for my Razor…I felt so much anguish and I couldn’t bear it any longer as of a few weeks ago. I began Cutting again. I do it now in the same way but different way. I am more controlled about how I cut, but cut in the same places and times and with the same tool…a box cutter Razor. Its my poison, my heroine my weapon of choice when it comes to numbing the pain that so much evil in my life has caused. I Choose you…That means I choose to bleed for Jesus in ways that I cant explain. I feel my sins pouring out of me in different fashions and shapes. I feel like the blood dripping from me is washing me clean of all the intrusive thoughts that come along with being a devoted Catholic everyday of my life. I have been attacked and have always prayed for a sound mind against Evil thoughts and Demons, but I never thought I could be so wounded by these things. The bible warns that we will always be at war with these thoughts and these demonic things in times and places. I find myself not only at war with things spiritually but with things Mentally as my Authentic Self. I feel pain in ways I cant describe. Taking my heroine to my skin is something I call the frost killing hour…Its a time when all things deadened in my heart and all things pour fourth from my soul. Its another way of purging for me. I call it purging ones soul and now I am learning it is also cleansing ones spirit inside and outside in ways that don’t make sense to persons unless they are very religious and devoted on a path and journey to be within the comfort of the Lords wings. I am a practicing Catholic Mystic and I long to be in the presence of Jesus everyday while still living life…Its not easy when confronted with sinful things right and left everyday. I feel like I am more sinnered then I am true at times and I don’t want to be full of disgust and guilt at the world I live in. I need to grow stronger in pray and faith and weaker in trying to be strong for everyone else including myself. It is when we are at our weakest that The Lord Saves Us, not when we are holding in our hearts a pride that must die of like a wilting Rose in the thorns of deceit. There are three types of lies white lies, grey lies and black lies and I will pour all my lies out through blood shed and I will do this for the Lord and For God, its called my blood and the waves will break these chains….Love always Kasienka Nani Mei.
I am trying to Hold On to Faith in My life right now, through things that are difficult to interpret in fashions and manners. I am dealing with a physical illness that’s taken all of my 20s away from me, its called High P.O.T.S and Bechets Syndrome. I am tired all of the time and have a hard time staying awake through things that normal persons do everyday without thinking about it. I am trying to understand what I should do about getting well enough to go back to College for what I started out to be….Which is a Therapist for Persons with Eating Disorders and other Mental Illnesses. I keep thinking I wont be good enough at this Career and that I will end up to sick to go to work and do the things I will need to for my Patients. I think about all the things I need to do and how I need to Focus this Goal with Jesus and see through His Perspectives. Its not about me its about what God wants me to do with my life and that’s something I have thought about for quite awhile. I cant understand why I do the things I do in other shapes and Fashions….Like why I still act on my own Eating Disorder when I want to help persons with them. I know a lot about them and have completed my English and Psychology in College already…So I have perspectives on what I need to do to get well myself. I just think there is a line of being sick and not sick. Its hard to explain, but I do believe some persons must live with a type of Eating DIsorder in order to overcome anxiety and be able to live in society as themselves, themselves. I don’t want to take persons lifes away from them and make them live in a Fashion that is not who they truly are. I want to help people learn to live with their eating disorder in a healthy way, I want to treat Chronic Anorexia and Bulimia and help people not die from it, but embrace themselves through finding their IDENTITY. Its something I have worked on myself and found that I can live with Anorexia in a different sort of way. Maintaining a healthier weight and eating for my health and not taking it to the level of wanting to be the thinnest and also not wanting to disappear from life, but instead want to really live Life for God and surrender the things we dream about so deeply into His Hands and the Hands of Our Savior Jesus Christ. It makes sense to me and has helped me immensely with things in my own life, getting through things like Bipolar I Disorder and also through things that are very spiritually disturbing. I have had to fight a lot for my own beliefs in ways I cant always explain to other people. If you believe in Good then you know that there is much evil in the world as well. And for me Faith is about the fight between the good and the bad and how to stay on the true side rather then the sinnered side. I hope that makes some sense in all that I have spun out of control through writing how I truly feel in this very moment. Much Love Always Kasienka. Hold On To The Hope LIfe Will Turn Around Through Gods Grace.
I am thinking about how much I need to be loved in ways that I cant explain to the persons that live their lives around me in aupucious ways and manners. I miss how things used to be, when I could be my borderline self. Loving persons for who they were and getting hurt in the ways I understood. Right now I don’t feel very loved at all, I feel lost in ways I cant explain. I want to be something more then a plastic bag in the wind…I want to be a firework and I cant explain it. I am always trying to be someone, trying to better myself in all the ways I know how to, but I am lost in ways I cant explain. I want people to think I am worth something, rather then thinking I am nothing in and out of days past and gone. I don’t want to feel sick when someone loves me, the guilt that seeps in when someone touches your heart in ways you cant explain. It makes me shed tears in ways that I never have to know the persons I have lost to running away from them. I love someone right now very much and even with them I tend to run away rather then tell them how I truly feel. I love them in a very spiritual sense, a very transcending way. I want to know them in ways they wont allow me to…Yet they know me in all kinds of fashions and manners and it scares me, because I hid myself from this persons for almost seven years. I will have to face them in their office in a way I cant explain. In a very spiritual sense, in a way that they will know what I am actually thinking but I will lose them then and wont know what they are really thinking or doing for me. Whats really on the inside of all this, my insecurities? I have so many fears and flaws why does this person even care about me, I wonder in a deep fashion and shape….I think its not that easy to love and be loved in the righteous way. The way Jesus writes about, the way God made us by knitting us in the womb out of pure Love and contentment. I hope one day I know true love and will know who my soul mate is. Someone who will love me without conditions and pain. I don’t want to feel that dagger in my back anymore, the one were I am stabbed in the Church in ways I cant explain. They take me for everything I have spiritually and soulfully. I need you to open up your heart to me, to be truly free with me…Will do this one thing for me and love without conditions my friend? AMEN. Love Kasienka.
I am wondering what I should do with myself…I don’t want to leave this place I am in. I don’t want to lose the same things you have lost to something I don’t understand yet. And I did see the terror in your face and the fear of something that is much bigger then myself. It scared me to see you as someone I have never seen before right before my blackened eyes. For they were with me, taking me over with delusionals. I was screaming to you don’t bring this love down…I didn’t want to lose you in the way I did, to things that are far bigger then us. I want to be in this place I call A House Without Chains. That means I want to be enveloped within all of your spirit day and night. Please I ask take my fate into your hands my Guardian Angel, because I am so curious and need to see…Things that keep seeping into me like poison. The Lord tells me to be quiet and rest and I cant stop staying awake, dancing side by side with the demons within me. Manic depressive disorder and the only time I feel normal is when I have shot up my pills into little boxes of ticky tackys. I long to be with you cant you hear me crying God? Cant you hear me screaming for this Love. I feel so untouched, I feel so unloved in ways that make no sense, its because I crave something I cant have, hes my drug and so is the Lord…The Lord Jesus is calling me and I have to take the step and follow the road, take up my cross and follow and carry my burdens. And I don’t know how to walk that road the one I have surrendered to God on. I have fallen to my knees and all the way to the ground just to find out how weak I really am, but no weak enough to be healed, still strong enough to have to keep fighting as something I cant share, a soul seeker. One that’s young and looking for something that she needs to know to become who she really is. She has illusions in front of her and broken dreams surrounding her what does she do? I feel like I am breathing again when I think about him. I feel like l am living again when I push the drugs into my body. I got it under control…I got it under control. All that’s real is faded like a pain killer I have taken. Its time to medicate like a broken dream because I am incomplete and your love is the missing piece. Amen. Amen. Amen.
I am pulled a thousand miles from home in the cross fire of empty bullets…at war with my body night and day…being tortured in ways that a woman under the oath of salvation never should…I cry out Jesus Saves Me and to my dismay not even the Lird can fix this Chained Home. Can I be ressurected into a persons that is like a mosaic beautiful yet scared in ways that make no sense to me at all. I hope to find myself through this spiritual conquest I am about to embark on. Amen. Amen. Amen. Love Soul Seeker Raven.
I am sitting here listening to the music my heart plays for the persons I am so very in love with. I can’t be with them but I so long too in time and space. What should a soulseeker do when she can’t have the man she so dearly loves? I keep thinking about falling apart all over in pieces and patches. Could he repair me then? Could he take me one thousand miles to the long and narrow road to heaven to get back the soul I have surrendered to Our Father just to touch his heart and make him feel me in ways I can’t feel anymore..just pain it covers me in ways I can’t explain. I cry out to the stars save us before its too late…amen.amen. Amen. Love Kasienka
I am thinking about how much I want to do something I shouldn’t do anymore…And that would be cut my left arm with my boxed razor…A special razor fit just to cut myself when I feel I can no longer take the pressure and pain of being a manic depressive persons. Most people don’t understand what its like to be a very religious persons in a liberal persons body…A Gay Gay woman’s body…One that has been Anorexic since she was in the third grade and is now in some state of disgust at herself for weighing way more then she ever has all do to the suedo recovery movement! I am so tired of persons trying to be people they are not and how badly persons are judged for trying to escape pain in the only ways they know how to. What happened to the 90s and Gia Heroin Chic? I would like to know why we are all running around reading books by Hazeldan and trying to recovery in ways that are no possible? I have been bettering myself through psychoanalyzing features and fashions for way to long now and the sick think is I crave it more then I ever have. I want to see a therapist and spew out word vomit all over the place its the only place to vent how one truly feels. I am such a Steven Levenkron Patient and I don’t need help for it I need Help undoing all that Evangilism has poured forth onto me, making me think that I am such a terrible persons for being a bisexual who truly speaks her mind about how she feels about life and just wants to be in love with the spirit she is seeking with her soul and all she has go give in Love and War. Amen. Amen. Amen. Love Always Kasienka